when you look at me,
do you see a prize?
do you see the beauty you created with your own life?

I like to pretend that everything is as it should be.
That I am you, and you are me.
That we are the same.
That you are happy.

but you're not.

Relationships

Why do people think its OKAY to be in a dysfunctional relationship? When has that EVER been deemed normal by society? It is the one thing that I have come across most in my life and it is something that I truly sincerely cannot even fathom where people possibly get this notion of intimate relationships from. It really maddens me to a point where I get so frustrated and I want to punch someone in the face. I feel so passionately about it, and it's something that I feel I need to get out there. People need to understand, not know, understand, that love exists, and love is not dysfunctional,and a relationship should never be the equivalent of unhappiness...EVER....no exceptions.

I'm getting all worked up already and I haven't even started yet.

I know so many people....::sigh:: and it burdens my heart, that are in dysfunctional relationships. Good girls, bad boys, bad girls, good boys. Opposites attract, and most people take that in a literal sense, like good and evil, and it is such a wrong perception of the phrase, it drives me CRAZY!

Why do people think that a relationship means driving each other insane? cursing each other out? crying? yelling? being disappointed? putting up with who the other person "really is" (meaning all their bad qualities that override any other aspect of their personality).

Its almost as if we, as humans, naturally, feel the need to help people, and fix problems. Assholes = a fixer-upper, a challenge to see if they love you enough to change for you, sticking around because their ass-holeness is clearly stemmed from some sort of mental problem from some occurance in their life (clearly, we think, they need help).


NEWSFLASH: NOBODY is going to change if they dont want to! and if they do, its going to be for themselves, not for anyone else, not for you, not for their mother, father, sister, brother, pastor, friend, or lover.
Like, Christ, seriously? When is it okay for couple to beat on each other? I really have to say that all these ridiculous reality tv shows have EVERYTHING to do with this. Drama. People love drama. Not to say that these types of relationships didnt exist before reality t.v, but its definitely helped these types of situations become the norm. Like its okay, you're fine, its perfectly normal for your girlfriend to treat you like shit because she thinks shes hot and has so many other guys to worry about, and youre jsut too good for her, but you love her. Its perfectly normal for your boyfriend to cheat on you, and yell, and not give a flying fuck about you, and tell you he loves you to keep you around because youre the only stable, consistent good thing in his life.

BULLLLLLSHIT.


I honestly cant even finish this post because it makes me so mad. I hate people. I really do. Human interactions, for the most part, not to say there arent any good ones, are absolutely disgusting.

Just a thought.

I turn away and look inside.
I think about my life and everything that's happening.
And as I stand there looking out with my eyes,
I think about how its safer out there than it is in my own mind.
I can't really say why this happened.
There's always a price to pay for anything that's good and worthwhile.

:/

I don't know why it keeps bothering me. I miss you, and I can't get over that we don't talk as much and barely see each other at all. You were my other half, my soul sister, and I wish we never lost contact when I moved. We could never have too many hours in a day to talk about anything and everything. We would spend all day together and when I'd get home, I'd call you immediately or you'd call me and we'd still continue talking as if we never even hung out at all. I swear I could write a book on our friendship, and everything we've experienced together. I miss you I miss you I miss you. I don't know if I'm just being ridiculous. I may be But I feel most people go their whole lives searching for the friendship we shared.

I try so hard to think about when our friendship started to break apart. I really cannot recall how or why we stopped talking and hanging out. Its all a blur to me. Maybe it was during a time when I was going through some difficult things, that might have something to do with why i can't remember. I don't know, maybe that's what bothers me the most. The fact that I don't know why we stopped talking.

All the nights we spent walking down lakeview ave, eating chinese food and you'd eat the carrots, I'd eat the broccoli and we'd split the chicken. It was always perfect. :) Drug Fair, Pizza place, hienekins, the drunk bitch who bit you at your party, all the sleep overs, the 1 am wakeup call singing outside your window holding a rose, the time you actually hurt yourself in your bathroom with scissors bc you were so upset, and i remember going to your house and you told me what you did. All the guys that would holla at you ALL the time. your mom yelling at you from across the street holding her flip flops embarrassing you in front of your crush. ralphie tony. you always had smiley faces everywhere, on everything, and you never failed to make me smile everyday. dancing, doing laundry, getting in trouble, youre moms creeper status. your dog julie. <3 r.i.p, your goth neighbor and her little sister angelica and you always heard her be such a bitch and gave me dirty ass looks cuz i was cooler than her. :) plantain chips with lime and salt, eating EVERYTHING with lime and salt...and the list goes on and on and on and I won't ever forget anything we've done.

I don't know if things could ever go back to the way they were, i guess not because that was then and this is now. We've grown up and we have our own things going on. Bleh. Just needed to get this off my chest. It comes up from time to time and i just think it over in my head and i just simply miss it. i MISS the closeness we had.

but whatever happens happens for a reason I guess.

Whatever it is youre thinking about, it doesn't matter

I feel as though this whole world has gone mad. Everybody has lost their sense of being. I rarely see true profound friendships anymore. Honesty is a thing of the past. People lack even minute senses of morality. Nobody has your back, everybody talks about one another. Everyone's fake. Everyone only cares about what they look like and what other people think of them, trying to impress only the audience of people they deem superior to them, to achieve some sense of purpose. I see chances for true love thrown right out the window because a materialistic mindset is at play and only goes for what the soul wants, and not what the soul needs. Greed. Money. Sex.
Why does this all matter? What does money possibly buy anyone that can bring them happiness that goes beyond the physical life of a product until it breaks down and wears away? Why? All I can ask myself is why? People think that the only way to be happy is to not live in the moment, but to intoxicate themselves with substances, be it liquid or solid,and not even remember a thing that happened. People live to forget. I want to live and remember the way I lived my life, and I want to be able to say I did something worthwhile, something that made me a better person, not a more fun person, or prettier, or richer person, but a better human being to say the least.

People get turned off by people who feel connections with another human being and actually pursue a strong friendship or relationship. When somebody truly cares, its creepy, or overwhelming, or annoying, yet they go about their lives wondering why they can't seem to find a decent guy, or girl, or friend. We overlook the tiny details that define what makes a wonderful companion for us in our lives, to what makes a person just another body who is just going to come in and out of your life.

What does it take to make us learn? What will it take to make us appreciate someone for everything they're worth? I guess everyone's just waiting for the one person in their life who is going to make them feel worthless...then they'll realize what they've been doing to others all long.

___________________________________________________________________

Edit:

After reading my post one more time, I realized some things were written in a manner that doesn't quite portray what im trying to say.

"When somebody truly cares, its creepy, or overwhelming, or annoying, yet they go about their lives wondering why they can't seem to find a decent guy, or girl, or friend. We overlook the tiny details that define what makes a wonderful companion for us in our lives, to what makes a person just another body who is just going to come in and out of your life"

I meant to say that most people think its creepy, overwhelming, or annoying when someone new feels a connection and tries to pursue a friendship, or relationship with them. It's like people are completely shut out from the world and only have eyes for people who meet their "criteria" of who they want to be seen and associated with, people who are deemed reputable enough to be friends with. It's like we don't care about what anyone has to offer as long as it benefits us. I know people who are friends with people who agree with all the things they do, be it wrong or right. so they never have an outside opinion of someone who thinks differently, but only think just like they do. All it creates is stupidity, in my opinion. People don't know how choose their opposite.

I feel tired all the time. Like there's something missing that I'll never find.
I can start the sentence, but never finish the rhyme.
My mind is dry & water won't satisfy.
This place I'm in tells me nothing of who I am or who I used to be.
Blank walls, empty pages, not a stroke of a brush or pictures that I've created.
I am not who I am. I am not me.
I am the person that remains where I used to be.

Where are the tears, my passion, my rage?
Where is my imagination, my ambition, my brain?

I can't live like this, this is not how it's meant to be.
I can't dream like this, in these thoughts, this reality.

I want to be big, but I'm afraid to grow.
I want to soar high, but I'm afraid of flyin'.
I want to be free, but I'm afraid of what that would do to me.
I simply want to be...

c.o.m.p.l.e.t.e

Like a sentence or a word, or a paragraph in an essay.
I want to be the dot at the end of every little sentence.
Working its position, it signifies completion.

Incomplete. A fragment of who I used to be.
A puzzle too difficult to put together.
Or a broken chip lying on the floor.
You see, it's just like me.
And I don't want it to be.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
Is it the mentality I once claimed?
One thing remains, reminding me that I am still sane.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
I just don't recall ever being this lonely.

Incomplete. A fragment of who I used to be.
A person that has no name. A swan in the lake, alone without a mate.
You see, its just like me, and I don't want it to be.

I can't fucking write. As much as I have feelings to let out.
I can't fucking write. Frustrated. The paragraphs I type end up hi-lighted and backspaced.
I'm sitting here speechless. Maybe that's just exactly how I feel.
Fucking...speechless..
All I want to do is throw-up all this ill mannered feeling I have stuck in my chest and in my head.
When will I let this go?